In case you haven't noticed, its been a while since my last post. I've been struggling on what to post. I always said when I create my own blog, I want it to be 100% open and honest. So what's more honest then this....
Lately, I've been battling with myself. Mentally. But why? What was it? Anxiety? Depression? Low Self Esteem? I haven't been able to pin point it. I've been snapping at Sam more. We continued to blame it on hormones each time, but we both knew that wasn't the answer. There were nights I would cry and not have a reason as to why. I was constantly wondering how Sam could stand to be with me. How could he love me? Many times I thought it would be so easy for him to find someone better than me. I couldn't turn my brain off. I finally stopped trying to think about it all the time. Focusing on it only intensified the feeling.
Finally tonight I figured it out....
I got home from a busy day at the office, and after having dinner all I wanted was to take a long, hot shower to just relax. A nice way to just wash the day away before rejoining my family. While waiting for the water to warm up, I stood in the bathroom. Naked. I usually avoid looking at my naked body in the mirror, I never much liked what I saw when I did, but tonight I looked. Now, I could have had many thoughts pop into my head - "It's what's on the inside that counts", "Big is beautiful", "You're gorgeous no matter what your pant size is". Instead, the thought that came to mind was, "Who. The hell. Is that?" I didn't recognize myself. How could I allow myself to neglect my own body? I still look like I was 7 months pregnant! My boobs sagged, my stomach jiggled, and my butt looked like a cellulite factory. That was when I realized what was wrong...
What I had been feeling all along is hate. Pure and total hatred. All towards myself. Of course I couldn't expect Sam to love me when I couldn't even love myself.
I stood under in the shower as the hot water made its way down my body, not missing a single roll or crease in my back. I could stay in the shower and pretend that curtain seperated me from the whole world but that would never solve the problem I was feeling inside. When I got out of the shower, no matter how squeaky clean I would be, it wouldn't change how I felt. My mind would never be completely clean of those thoughts unless I did something to change how I felt. Changing how I felt meant changing how I looked.
I can't promise those thought will go away this instant. I can't promise that I will get down to my goals in a timely manner. I sure as hell can't promise that this will be easy.
As I walked over to this computer I felt my belly jiggle in my tank top and undies to make you this very promise -
I will give it my all. Everyday. I will put in every effort I possibly can to change the way I feel and how I see myself. I promise to work on those thoughts and try to combat them with more positivity.
I promise to stop hating myself.
Comments