I have written, deleted, and rewritten this more times than I can count.
In fact, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to post it, but when I realized May is Mental Health Awareness month, I know I needed to….
A few months ago as Sam and I were in the car headed home, I realized that I had been more moody, snappy, and emotional than ever before. What is happening? I thought over and over. Why can’t I get this under control?
As more time passed, the mood swings started getting worse. I reached the point of feeling completely hopeless at times. There were more and more moments where I just felt defeated and began thinking ‘What’s the point?’
I began to keep track of the mood swings as they came on. It would come in a wave – anger, sadness, defeat, and then hopelessness. In that order, and as time went on, they would become stronger, and heightened. It would last for hours sometimes even an entire day. I started to get headaches afterwards and felt so tired afterwards that I didn’t want to do anything.
It got to the point where thoughts started to flood my mind – negative thoughts. I began tearing myself down from the inside. Mentally telling myself that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. I starting questioning everything that I was doing, I started questioning why Sam would even bother dating me.
The worst part was when the thoughts began to overload my brain. I felt as though I couldn’t stop them; it was a whole different person telling me these things and I couldn’t fight back.
Each time they filled my mind, everything else went numb.
The beginning of April, I started my period as usual. Only this time it lasted the entire month… Perhaps my hormones were off? I immediately thought the mood swings were connected to my birth control. I had only been back on it for a couple months and after the pregnancy, maybe my body was reacting differently? Maybe it wasn’t strong enough? All I knew is that I wasn’t myself. I could tell there was something wrong. I hated these feeling that were overcoming me.
I went to the doctor in the beginning of May, in hopes to get this all taken care of. The appointment lasted an hour and a half and I walked out with a new birth control prescription, some headache medication and information I was less than thrilled to hear.
I was told I have Post-Partum Depression.
Why?
How?
I don’t want it!
The doctor went over a list of things that I can do to help tackle it as at home, but all I could do was feel the negative thought rush through my head.
It’s your fault. You’ll never beat it. Don’t even try. There’s no escape. Don’t bother. You’re not worth it.
I sat in my car for a few minutes unable to move. I didn’t even want to drive home. What was I expected to do next?
Fast Forward to today….
I have seen an improvement on the mood swings, but the thoughts still come and go.
Every day is a struggle. Trying to fight back and control the thoughts that try to control me is a daily battle.
Sam is fighting to get me more active. I love him even more for sticking by my side through this emotional rollercoaster, dispute some of the thought I have.
So, in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month - This is the first time I’m telling anyone outside of Sam. I haven’t told anyone in my family until today (if they’re choosing to read this).
Reach out for treatment or support if you are living with a mental health disorder. Know that you are never alone. Share your story and inspire others facing similar challenges in their lives.
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