Some Days are Better Than Others

I have written, deleted, and rewritten this more times than I can count.

In fact, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to post it, but when I realized May is Mental Health Awareness month, I know I needed to….

A few months ago as Sam and I were in the car headed home, I realized that I had been more moody, snappy, and emotional than ever before. What is happening? I thought over and over. Why can’t I get this under control?

As more time passed, the mood swings started getting worse. I reached the point of feeling completely hopeless at times. There were more and more moments where I just felt defeated and began thinking ‘What’s the point?’

I began to keep track of the mood swings as they came on. It would come in a wave – anger, sadness, defeat, and then hopelessness. In that order, and as time went on, they would become stronger, and heightened. It would last for hours sometimes even an entire day. I started to get headaches afterwards and felt so tired afterwards that I didn’t want to do anything.

It got to the point where thoughts started to flood my mind – negative thoughts. I began tearing myself down from the inside. Mentally telling myself that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. I starting questioning everything that I was doing, I started questioning why Sam would even bother dating me.

The worst part was when the thoughts began to overload my brain. I felt as though I couldn’t stop them; it was a whole different person telling me these things and I couldn’t fight back.

Each time they filled my mind, everything else went numb.

The beginning of April, I started my period as usual. Only this time it lasted the entire month… Perhaps my hormones were off? I immediately thought the mood swings were connected to my birth control. I had only been back on it for a couple months and after the pregnancy, maybe my body was reacting differently? Maybe it wasn’t strong enough? All I knew is that I wasn’t myself. I could tell there was something wrong. I hated these feeling that were overcoming me.

I went to the doctor in the beginning of May, in hopes to get this all taken care of. The appointment lasted an hour and a half and I walked out with a new birth control prescription, some headache medication and information I was less than thrilled to hear.

I was told I have Post-Partum Depression.

Why?

How?

I don’t want it!

The doctor went over a list of things that I can do to help tackle it as at home, but all I could do was feel the negative thought rush through my head.

It’s your fault. You’ll never beat it. Don’t even try. There’s no escape.  Don’t bother. You’re not worth it.

I sat in my car for a few minutes unable to move. I didn’t even want to drive home. What was I expected to do next?

---

Fast Forward to today….

I have seen an improvement on the mood swings, but the thoughts still come and go.

Every day is a struggle. Trying to fight back and control the thoughts that try to control me is a daily battle.

Sam is fighting to get me more active. I love him even more for sticking by my side through this emotional rollercoaster, dispute some of the thought I have.

So, in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month - This is the first time I’m telling anyone outside of Sam. I haven’t told anyone in my family until today (if they’re choosing to read this).

Reach out for treatment or support if you are living with a mental health disorder. Know that you are never alone.  Share your story and inspire others facing similar challenges in their lives.