**Warning- Triggers and explicit details are included. Read at your own risk**
Did you know 1 in 4 pregnancy’s end in a miscarriage? To break it down- if you send 4 pregnant woman into a room together; only 3 get to leave with a baby. Those are really shitty odds...
What’s worse is the stigma that follows the word “miscarriage”. Everyone is afraid of it.
No one talks about what it means or what you go through and that’s not ok. Not with 1 in 4 odds! Women need to know what their minds and bodies can go through.
If you ever experience a miscarriage, I first want to say- It’s NOT your fault! Secondly- Hang in there, because all the nasty bits end (eventually)
Sam & I found out we were pregnant in August with baby #2. Now, yes doctors advise to wait until you’re in the “safe zone” (12 weeks) before announcing it, but if you’re anything like me, you don’t listen. You’re excited! You just found out you get to bring a new life into this world that is 1000X cuter than you. Of course you want to tell the world! That was exactly what we did.
We got our first ultrasound set up for the day after we reached the 10 week marker and I was anxiously awaiting hear that heartbeat. It never truly hits you and feels as real as it does in that beautiful moment.
I woke up early on the morning of our appointment to see I had some unwelcome spotting. I tried not to worry since it was so light.
We headed to our appointment as planned and as the ultrasound tech got started, I began to worry. I could see the image on the screen but no baby.
I already knew what that meant, however I chose not to believe it just yet.
The ultrasound tech asked me if I was sure I was 10 weeks, and I confirmed that I was.
Sam and I headed over to our next appointment with our midwife and there it was confirmed.
Pregnancy Loss.
I never heard it said like that before but I guess it was their nice way of softening the blow that the word “miscarriage” can have.
Before being sent home, I was told that I can expect bleeding and cramping like an actual period and that I would eventually pass the yolk sack. (The sac that houses the embryo before it turns into a fetus and placenta)
I headed home and all I could do was lay on the couch. I wasn’t sure how to process any of the events that occurred in the last couple hours. Sure, there are plenty of books on “What to Expect When your Expecting” but not a single one on “What to Expect When your Suddenly Not Expecting Anymore.”
All these thoughts flooded my head-
Is it my fault?
Is there something I could have done differently?
Did I not take the right prenatal vitamins?
Of course I knew the answer to all these questions, yet I still wanted to ask them. This was all new territory for me and I was highly unprepared.
Looking back now, I should have laughed when the midwife said “You can expect bleeding and cramping like an actual period...” If you ever have a doctor tell you that, clearly they have never experienced a miscarriage before because it is NOTHING like that!
Not only are you dealing with the emotional pain but the physical pain that strikes your uterus is worse!
Later in the day, the bleeding worsened. It was fine if I was sitting or laying down, but the minute I stood up, it felt like I had the rushing river of death flowing out of me.
As much as I wished I could have laid on the couch forever, I still had to take Adalyn to a check up and pick Sam up from work. By some miracle I made it through but anxiously awaited to get back home.
When getting back home, I stepped out of the car, and felt the flood gates unleash. The minute we stepped into the apartment, I could feel the stream making its way down my legs.
I rushed to the restroom and as I pulled all my clothes off to hop into the shower, I saw everything my body was getting rid of. Everything that no one tells you about....
Blood clots the (literal) size of my iPhone X. WAY bigger than a normal period!
But that wasn’t the worst part. Among all the blood and clots, I saw the yolk sack that I was told I would pass. Right inside I could see this little white bean looking thing floating around.
Was that it?
Was that what was supposed to develop and grow into my baby?
I froze. I didn’t know what to do. There I was with blood all over the lower half of my body and I couldn’t figure out what to do next.
Until... I started crying.
The days that followed were tough. How was I expected to tell people? How would they respond and treat me? I really didn’t want to deal with the “I’m sorry’s” and “It wasn’t meant to be” or the sad looks of pity. I just wanted time to get over it in my own way.
Everything that had happened up to that point was nothing “like a normal period.”
The blood was extreme.
The cramps were intense.
The clots were enormous.
The emotions were real.
It even hurt to try and poop.
And not a single person prepared me for any of it...
So there you have it. The bloody, shitty honest truth about miscarriages. And if you are experiencing it, just remember (because no one else will tell you)- It’s a lot of pain, but you are strong and will overcome this! You’re a woman after all!
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